“I’m not a planner-type of person; I like to be in flow and feel what’s best for me in the moment!”

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-I understand why many people prefer to live off the cuff- without structure. 

And I agree, there is something to be said about being in the flow; allowing feminine energy to move you, and to allow instead of force. 

 

But as a naturally free-flowing more feminine-type, I’ve learned overtime that just as the Hermetic Principles teach us, life is about Balance, Rhythm, and Opposites: knowing when to be in the feminine (yin) and the masculine (yang). Without both, we are living out of balance. 

 

Without structure, the free-flowing person feels ungrounded, unclear, and overwhelmed. With too much structure, the feminine is stifled, made rigid, and wilts like a flower. 

 

I believe we need a balance of feminine-flow, and masculine-structure. 

 

I teach intuitive people, those of us who feel a lot, are creative or crave to be, and who generally do better when they’re living by their own rules and standards, how to be creative, AND live with  a plan. 

 

“While Discipline and Freedom seem like they sit on opposite sides of the spectrum, they are actually very connected. Freedom is what everyone wants — to be able to act and live with freedom. But the only way to get to a place of freedom is through discipline.” 

-Jocko Willink

 

Even discipline can be done from a very loving, kind, and gentle way.

 

To the person who says, “Using a planner just isn’t me” , I like to ask-

how is that working out for you? 

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• Do you feel accomplished at the end of most days? - That is, are you proud of yourself and what you set out to do? 

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• Do you deeply trust yourself; that you will follow-through on the promises you whispered to yourself about the dreams and goals that are deeply meaningful to you? 

 

• Does your mental and physical energy feel drained, scattered, depleted? Or is it clear, focused, intentional and calm? 

 

• Are you able to focus or do you feel you have so much on your mind, you start-and-stop projects, you forget what you were doing, you get motivated but then overwhelmed? 

 

I teach people how to build self-loyalty by designing a life that supports them; in habits, routines, and ways of oscillating between yin and yang energy that is right for you. 

 

We all have unhealed trauma which results in unhealthy coping behavior. For example, I used to have a hard time eating regularly- when I would get stressed or unbalanced, I would stop eating, only to realize when my stomach was growling, my throat was tense, and my thinking was illogical and skewed by my ravenous stomach yelling at me that I was actually RAVENOUS!

 

I would regularly get hangry, depressed, and impatient, making a quick food-choice that was bad for me. Afterwards my stomach felt satisfied but my spirit was down knowing my poor food choices could have been avoided if only I had planned my meals, or set an alarm reminding me to eat. 

 

Over time, I built “conscious eating-time” into my calendar, and was able to see that sitting down calmly while eating was a habit I had not learned. This gave me the opportunity to reparent myself. 

 

What is Reparenting?

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“Reparenting is the act of giving yourself what you didn’t receive as a child.” -Nicole LePera 

 

Reparenting is a compassionate way of  deconstructing the super-ego (that part of us that judges what we do as “good” or “bad”, makes rules for us and acts as an overall conscience). 

 

When we find that the paradigms, habits, or ways of viewing ourselves that we learned as children are no longer serving us, we need to slowly build a new way of being. That’s where reparenting comes in. 

 

For example, if your parents were very adamant about you finishing ALL the food on your plate, this might have caused you anxiety or shame as an adult around finishing meals, lead to body-image issues, or to speak harshly to yourself when not complying to the parental voice within. 

 

But as an adult you can consciously choose a new behavior. 

 

Continuing with the example above, reparenting can come in the form of overriding what the inner-critic is telling you. The parental-tone of the inner critic  might say something like:  “you should finish everything on your plate; think of all the starving children who don’t get to have dinner, and look at how wasteful you’re being!” 

 

Reparenting can offer a new way of thinking, and behaving, and offers a new voice within to lay down that new foundation. When you speak to yourself in your mind or out-loud in a compassionate tone, this is a form of self Reparenting. 

 

In this hypothetical situation, reparenting could look something like this:

 

• Creating a new “rule” that says “Whatever I don’t want to finish on my plate I can have as leftovers tomorrow.” 

 

• Having new words that soften the harsh tone and language of the inner critic; instead of “You’re so wasteful”, try “It’s okay- you just cooked a little too much food but next time you’ll know, and it’s no big deal!” 

 

When we deconstruct old habits and build new habits that are supportive, we are essentially taking the role of a wise and kind nurturer, and this allows the child within to heal and blossom. 

 

Using a calendar to plan out habits is like having training wheels for a secure lifestyle you’d like to build. 

 

Since most people did not grow up in secure environments (parents divorce, substance abuse, codependent family dynamics, bullying by siblings, witnessing or sensing abuse in the family, adults unable to manage or regulate emotions, etc), it is common and understandable when we must change a behavior from the inside out; not only doing the action or habit that will set us up up for a healthy, successful, and happy life, but also looking deeper into the roadblocks or limitations we’ve carried from the past. 

 

That’s why the method of reparenting, AND the  practical tool of a planner or calendar is a powerful combo when setting out to design a routine or lifestyle that is aligned with new healing and growth. 

 

Build a Healthy Routine

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Step 1.

Look at an area of your life that could use the most improvement. (Some areas are, Work/Career, Learning/Education, Emotional Awareness or Personal Development, Finances, Romance or Family, Friendship or Social Life, Health/Nutrition or Fitness, Spiritual Connection or Purpose, Adventure/ Fun or Play, Happiness or Me-Time). 

 

You can list out the areas that you see as representing a whole picture in your life, and rank them 1-10. 

(1) Being least satisfied in this area, or feeling least-developed in this area, while (10) represents the most fulfilled or developed in this area. Some people like to use a special way of shading these areas in a “Wheel of Life” visual representation. 

 

Whatever method you choose, the goal is to be able to reflect on and see the balance/imbalance in your personal life areas, not to judge them, and to provide an action-plan if you choose to focus on developing or enhancing any area. 

 

Let’s say you’ve been wanting to develop your spirituality more, and invest more time in yourself. 

 

Step 2. 

Ask yourself or write this down: 

If I did one simple habit everyday to improve in this area, what would it be? 

For example, if you ranked “Spiritual Connection” lowest then 10 minutes of guided meditation might be a habit you want to include in your day. 

 

Step 3.

Look at your calendar or planner, and schedule an action or step that will start the new momentum. 

For example, decide what part of the day, based on your own schedule and rhythm, when a 10 min meditation makes the most sense for you.

 

Or,  if you said you wanted to improve in your “Happiness” area by invest in yourself more, then  decide what activities bring you joy and would help you reconnect with your sense of Self. Ask “what’s one thing I can do today to invest in myself and sense of Happiness?” 

Add an event on your calendar where you will dedicate a certain amount of time to that area- Perhaps this Saturday is now titled, “Me time.” Or perhaps you schedule 10 minutes of reading before bed each night. 

 

Recap- Guiding Yourself Through Your Growth-Path: 

• Whatever action will bring you the most sense of self-care, and balance, is a great place to start. 

From there, it’s a matter of scheduling the time to do it. 

 

• Along the way, use what you know about reparenting to continue following-through with these nourishing habits. 

 

• Most of all, be gentle with yourself- take small steps and be patient the way you would be with a child if they were learning a new skill.

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By following this process  you will self-loyalty (self-trust), and your routines will help you shape a lifestyle that is conducive to balance across the many areas of your life. 

 

My business coach always says, “If it’s on the calendar, it’s as good as done!”- because she knows I have learned to use and rely on my calendar to plan for success. 

 

I view planning, structure, and using a calendar as a way of stepping into my Future-Self (planning ahead), who is looking out for my Current-Self. 

 

I hope this lesson helps you make choices that give you the best chance for success in your healing, and growth!  It's been such a pleasure to connect with you!